The canadian erectile difficulties resource centre 

How can I talk to him about ED?

One of the most damaging things to a relationship is what isn't said while each partner tries to second guess what the other is thinking and feeling. No surprise there, right? So how long are you willing to wait for one of you to break the ice by ‘opening up’ the subject and sharing your thoughts and feelings?

Once you start to talk about it, you're on your way to clearing up all the assumptions or misunderstandings that have been eating away at both of you and undermining your relationship.

You already know this but...

Every relationship is unique. Your approach to the subject of ED with your partner should be based on something that has worked before for other important relationship issues.

Here are a few suggestions to help get things going:

• Focus first on the ED issues that are important to him.
• Always try to speak in terms of ‘we’ and ‘us’ so that it's clear that ED is an issue you're both working on together.
• Avoid making statements. Instead, ask open-ended questions about how he's feeling, what he thinks is going on, what the two of you should do, etc.
• Clear up all the myths, misunderstandings and misconceptions so that they don't get in the way of working on the facts.
• Don't try and force any action (such as immediately making an appointment with a physician) – you both have to ‘own’ (believe in) a decision for it to work.
• Try to lead the discussion in the direction of a solution.

Getting-Him-to-Talk Icebreaker

If you know your partner is worried about his erection, the first step is to get him to admit he's concerned... so that you can start to talk about it.

Here are some tips to make the conversation go smoother:

• Don't take it personally
• Be supportive
• Reassure your partner (he may feel like he is incapable of satisfying you and that he is less of a man)
• Take the pressure off performance

You can use one of these conversation starters to start the conversation:

• We need to talk about what's happening in the bedroom because I think you are making too much of it. Let's figure out what it is, and how to fix it. I've heard that it's not so complicated to treat.
• I hope you don't think I'm taking this personally? I'm not, I know that this kind of thing happens to almost all men at some point.
• I want to help you with this, because I see what it's doing to you. I still love you and love being with you. I don't need intercourse to be satisfied, but I know it's very important to you, so let's do something about it.

^¶¶¶Canadian arm of an international consumer survey designed to explore sexual habits and behaviors, particularly the aspirations and unmet needs. Female respondents to question regarding importance of erection hardness n=250.